What the Heart Wants
by SailorKMoonie
Summary: Suspian. Takes place during PC. A Retelling of the events between the end of the battle and when the Pevensies leave. What happened on the night of Caspian's coronation? Rated T for suggested themes.


What the Heart Wants

Susan fell into the familiar rhythm of a slow horse ride. It was the first time in the past couple of weeks that she'd been able to relax. Miraz was dead, the Telmarines defeated. Aslan had returned to save the day again.

The aftermath of battle had been joyous at first, but the task of burying the dead turned the mood melancholy.

After some time, the Captain had told Caspian and the Pevensies to return to the castle. There was much to be done in the order of state and law. Caspian was to be crowned King of Narnia, the Narnians were to be integrated into society and the news had to be broken to Miraz's wife.

So now like a small parade, they were making their way back to the castle. Only a few days after their last visit. Peter rode up beside Susan and reached out to touch her shoulder. "You alright Sue?" he asked. She'd been quiet the entire trip so far with that familiar expression. Eyes straight ahead, lips tight and her head high. Something was on her mind.

"Just dreading seeing the Telmarine castle again. Bad memories." Susan looked down a sign she was hiding something.

Peter grabbed Susan's hand in silent support. "Now they'll be replaced by good ones. The Narnians can come out of hiding. And Caspian seems like a good enough man." Peter watched Susan's expression and inwardly grimaced when he saw Susan blush. She liked him. Peter fought the annoyance down; he had no _good_ reason to disapprove.

"He'll make a good King of Narnia." Susan replied, unaware of her brother's churning stomach. "Do you think we'll be able to stay for the coronation." her eyes darkened. Her thoughts were already on their departure.

"Don't do that Sue. How do you know we won't stay for another ten years?" he smiled at the thought.

"And then be sent back to London as teens again?" Susan replied harshly. She kicked her horse into a run to leave Peter behind.

He didn't like that train of thought either. But…

Try as Peter might he couldn't finish the sentence.

* * *

><p>There was no fanfare, no cheers of applause. In fact it seemed quiet to them as their party crossed the castle's bridge to the main courtyard. A group of both nobles and servants alike had gathered to hear the news, whatever it may be.<p>

Caspian dismounted and realized it was his duty to make a speech. He looked to Peter and the High King bowed his head in a show of both respect and assurance. Then he looked to Susan who despite her dower thoughts, gave him a smile of encouragement. She knew he could do this. That gave him courage to turn back to his people.

"King Miraz and his armies have fallen. I will rightfully take my place as King of Narnia and in doing so; I will tell you that Narnia is not for the Telmarines alone. The Narnians who have for so long been forced underground will now live among us as our friends." Caspian gestured to Trumpkin and the centaurs.

He and the Pevensies watched the crowd. Some were horrified; others shocked, but most seemed only intrigued.

Susan's thoughts for one moment focused on Caspian's speech and her heart lifted a little.

"Our ancestors feared them and in doing so brought down a mighty empire, a Golden Era of Narnia. But I will not live in that same fear that Miraz and my forefathers lived in. I want to bring back the magic of that era. Together, Narnians and Telmarines can live together and begin a new time of prosper that will be as equally great as the Golden Era Narnia once knew."

"Spread the news!" Peter shouted. "Long live King Caspian the Tenth!"

"Long live King Caspian" the crowd shouted. Some out of habit, but most shouted joyously with their hands in the air.

Caspian's hearing was filled with shouts for him and the voice that stood out the most was Susan's exuberant shout of his name. He looked to see a true smile on her face that for a small moment took his breath away. She looked down to see him staring at her and blushed.

He just kept staring at her.

Finally she gestured that they should get moving.

Caspian looked as if he had to shake himself from a trance; he quickly moved his horse Desiree into the castle stables followed by the Pevensies. The planning for coronation and ensuing party were next.

* * *

><p>The coronation itself was very simple and short. Although it was of course the first of its kind for many years. With the Telmarine traditions mixing with Aslan's deep voice intoning the magic of Narnia, it was strange for both sides. Susan couldn't speak for her brothers and sister, but it reminded her of their coronation.<p>

The doors to the hall opened to the official King Caspian the Tenth riding on Desiree followed by High King Peter, High Queen Susan, King Edmund and Queen Lucy. They rode around the village and castle streets that were strewn with flowers and civilians cheering for their new king.

And now with the sun under the horizon, the party really began with music and dancing.

Fireworks boomed outside the castle in honor of their crowned King Caspian. The Telmarine Castle's Ballroom was filled with light and music in celebration. Caspian entered first, followed by Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy. All five wore their crowns with regal pride. Their appearance was greeting by loud cheering and a new song started. Everyone leaped onto the floor in exuberance.

Susan on the other hand moved to the wall watching her brothers and sister with a watchful eye. Her red and gold gown swirled around her ankles smoothly. A feeling of coolness across her collarbone made her remember the necklace that Caspian had given her as a gift. Susan tried not to think too far into the gift, but it was the only gift that Caspian had presented himself. Her siblings had been sent their gifts for the coronation.

_He had brought the piece to her in a small box. It was strange to see him in royal clothing. But he seemed to treat them no different than the simple pants and shirt he had during the Revolution. "This is a 'thank you' for all you've done for me." he said._

_Not for Narnia._

_Not for his people._

_For him, personally. Susan slowly reached for the beautiful golden necklace which held a small ruby. Not big or showy but simple. Exactly how Susan liked her jewelry. "I can't accept this." _

"_Do you not like it?" Caspian's expression became hurt._

_Something inside Susan wanted desperately to bring back his smile. "No, it's beautiful, but…I…I would regret taking it from you whe—if we have to leave." _

_She was afraid that this would cause more distress, but instead he smiled again. "I would not mind. It would be something to remember me by." _

_Susan blushed._

"May I have this dance?" said a familiar voice, breaking her from the memory.

Susan raised her eyes from the outstretched hand up to the handsome face staring at her. Her first impression was that Caspian was very confidant. This made her want to deny him. But upon closer inspection she could detect the slight nervousness in his eyes that made him desirable.

_This is a bad idea._ Susan thought to herself. Her attraction for him was already undeniable and he had shown to be good, courageous and honorable. A finer man she could not bring to mind. He was someone she could easily fall for. But her mind remembered the pain of leaving behind the ones she loved. Losing everything in the blink of an eye. She never wanted to feel that pain ever again. This feeling for Caspian could not be allowed to grow. She realized she was thinking of her feelings for Caspian as if she had control over them.

She had to, there was no other option. About to refuse him she glanced up at him.

But as she looked into his eyes she could not help but feel the least bit sorry for the new King. "You may." She replied in what was only few seconds of deliberation.

A new kind of smile came upon his lips. During war, one was allowed to smile, but there was always darkness beneath the surface. This smile, she thought, was something that predated his escape from the Telmarine castle. She could imagine him smiling like that when he had succeeded in swordsmanship or when his friends had told a good joke. It made you smile in return. A shot of unexpected jealousy went through her as she thought of the other girls he had looked at like this.

Susan took his hand and together they walked onto the dance floor which was both emptying and filling due to the change in music. Her sharp eyes caught many a girl whispering to another and pointing to them. Caspian had chosen to dance first with her and no other girl. This gave her a small feeling of pride and joy. With a jolt she realized she was falling deeper into the trap. She attempted banish any thoughts of possession but with his warm hand upon hers, couldn't stop her heart from beating more rapidly than usual.

The music began and she was pleased to hear a familiar waltzing tune from her last time in Narnia. She suspected Caspian had asked the Narnians to play a few songs so that everyone might be familiar with the atmosphere. He adjusted his grip on her hand and moved to put his hand around her waist.

Remembering her dancing instruction she straightened her back and placed her right hand on his shoulder. During those years in Narnia, balls were inevitable and frequent. Truth be told, many like the All Hallows Eve celebration were most joyous occasions. Both she and Lucy would each have a new gown made, do their hair in the latest fashions and dance until their feet were blistered and sore. All those years of dancing rushed back to her turning her movements into instinct.

She automatically raised her head to look into her partner's eyes. And realized that they were the most beautiful, expressional eyes she had ever beheld. _This __**was**__ a bad idea_, she again thought as they began to move their feet. He looked at her with such…it took a moment to place it….

Devotion….

If there was any hope of avoiding any more eye contact, it dissipated when he tightened his arm around her; bringing them so close together their hips and stomachs were crushed against the other. Scandalous.

Their lips were merely a few inches apart. She thought, and then chastised herself for it. Such thoughts were not the right things to be thinking. This wasn't her world. No matter how much she wanted it to be, she would have to eventually return to England. Return to school, return to war, return to nothingness.

The bite of soon-to-be tears started in her eyes and she realized that Caspian was looking at her with a concerned expression. Quickly she smiled in an attempt to placate him. He shouldn't have to share the burden she felt.

But his anxious eyes didn't disappear; instead they bore into her eyes in question. Trying to figure out the reason for her unease.

Acting on instinct she laid her head onto his shoulder so that they became even closer than before. And also so he could no longer see her eyes. What she didn't account for was his breath across her cheek which sent shivers down her spine. _Oh, could this night just last forever and let nothing come between us_, she silently wished.

But her senses quickly came in and said to her _'No. Sooner or later the night would end and eventually, though it might be a night, or weeks or even years, she would have to return to London_.' So her mind told her heart and in response, it again, froze over. Feeling safe and detached Susan finished the dance with Caspian and curtsied low to him.

Looking back up into his eyes, she once again saw the worried, questioned look. But now it didn't affect her. Rather, her sensible side thought up a reason for the earlier moment of weakness. "I was merely remembering the Old Narnia." She explained. "I forgot how much I missed dancing."

For some reason he was following her off the dance floor. "But I'm fine now. You should dance with some of the other girls. Or else they'll get jealous." She remarked playfully.

Caspian laughed lightly. "I don't care. Why shouldn't they be jealous? I am talking with the most beautiful woman in the room." Although his tan cheeks became a slight shade pinker, he showed no other sign that what he was saying was out of the ordinary.

Susan on the other hand felt her face grow hot. She needed to escape. He would forget her once she was out of sight. "I'm feeling a little warm. I'm going to go get some fresh air on the terrace." Without waiting for an acknowledgement from him, Susan quickly picked up her red skirts and fled from Caspian's presence.

Or so she thought. The night air brushed back her long brown hair and cooled down her heated cheeks. Although it had been obvious about his feeling for her, thinking them and hearing them were two very different things. Now she knew for sure. She touched the pendant at her chest.

But all he had said was that she was pretty, '_beautiful'_ she corrected herself. For all she knew he could just be trying to get under her skirts. Calling her beautiful was just an opinion of how she looked; it wasn't saying that he had feelings for her, for Susan.

She removed the crown from her head, it was exactly as she remembered it, intricate and somehow perfect for her. It used to remind her of her role as Queen of Narnia and filled her with pride. But now it only filled her heart with pain and sadness. It reminded her of the home she'd left of her subjects that were dead because of their carelessness. And yet…she tried to set it down on the railing, but couldn't bring herself to let go. It was still a part of her that she really missed.

As she was lost in a sea of turbulent thoughts, a voice calmed the waves, "Did I say something wrong?" Caspian asked from behind her.

_Could a person feel happy and scared at the same time?_ Susan thought as she turned again toward the new King of Narnia, crown in hand. A small part of her was happy that he'd followed her out. But her mind was scared that she would have to confront the Prince—King. She corrected herself. She now realized they were the only ones on the balcony and somehow her ice covered heart rose to her throat so that it could be heard louder in her ears. "No, I just…the ballroom…and with so many people dancing…" she glanced at his face, which led to his eyes and she realized he wasn't fooled by the blather that was coming from her lips.

"Yes. I'm sorry Caspian, but yes, you said something wrong."

"You don't believe you're beautiful?" he asked with a chuckle. Reaching out a hand he moved his fingers down the side of her cheek.

_How could such strong hands be so gentle?_ With that small gesture, a break went through the ice armor around her heart.

"NO!" she shouted as she slapped his hand away. Both stood in shock of her action. The music of the dancing had blessedly covered up the Queen's outburst. But it still rang within Caspian's mind.

Susan stood away from him with her hand over her betraying lips. How could she have done such a horrible thing? But it had been her first instinct when she felt her heart warm and the ice break. She couldn't. She mustn't let him in.

"Caspian, I…"

"What have I done? Please tell me, what I could have done to deserve…that?" Caspian looked at Susan with such determination that she knew nothing short of her going back to England this very moment could stop him from trying to find out.

"Narnia is not my home." Susan simply stated. Although inside somewhere, she screamed that it wasn't true. The sensible part of herself argued back that she was born in England, which was the place she belonged. But Caspian didn't know this. No Telmarine or Narnian even had thought to wonder where the Monarchs had gone to. And after the Telmarines invaded, no one really cared.

"What do you mean? Of course it is your home, you ruled for 10 years after your defeat of the White Witch." It was strange saying it as fact, rather than the story he'd grown up with.

"I was 16 at the time of my coronation. And yes we did rule over Narnia for 10 years afterwards. But what about after that? Do you think we wanted to leave Narnia? Have you asked yourself why we're so young?"

"Of course, but I did not think…I assumed that you're coming from the past." Now that he had time to attempt to straighten it all out in his head, Caspian realized that it didn't make sense.

"We come from another world." Susan stated in a forced calm voice. "A very different one. In which we're just children. We were deported from Lon…from the city we lived in to the country because…" Susan knew that it was dangerous to even let the idea of bombs into Caspian's mind along with guns and other Earth technologies. "Because it was a time of war and dangerous. A professor gave us shelter. That's where we found Narnia, through a portal we'd-well that Lucy found. So yes, we did defeat the White Witch. And yes, we did rule for ten years."

Caspian saw the glint in her eyes as, what must be, hundreds of memories flashed in her mind.

"But then we went on a hunting trip. We heard about the White Elk running through the Western Wood. By this time, our old home was more of a lost memory. So we didn't realize what was happening when we went back through the portal. Until we fell through and came out the ages we were when we'd first entered the wardrobe….portal." she corrected herself. By this time, Susan was fighting the tears threatening to flow from her eyes. Her lips trembled uncontrollably. "We lost everything that day. Our kingdom, our friends, our lives, our home." And at this final word, one sob burst from Susan. And she took a breath to try and control the stabbing pain that was in her chest. Constricting and forcing her to breath, which only meant sobbing again.

Unable to stand idle, Caspian reached out to engulf Susan in his arms. But Susan only backed away and shook her head. Taking one more breath she continued. "A year went by in our world. And when I say that I mean 365 days of being child again, living in war again, being without friends again. And it was hard, but I was accepting the fact that we were not going back.

"And then you called us." There was a pause as she let Caspian digest what she's said. "And as happy as I am to be back. I know that it's all just a temporary thing. I won't let myself believe any different. I won't let myself be hurt like that again."

She looked out from the balcony, watching the night sky and the rocky countryside beneath her. Now he knew the whole story. Susan realized she'd done more than just tell him why she was pushing him away. She'd told him more than even Peter knew. About how she felt about Narnia and their return, only to find their home in ruins. Maybe that was why she didn't want to accept this place as her home. Because it wasn't. Her home was lost hundreds of years ago. Taken by Caspian's forefathers and forced underground. The silver crown in her hands felt heavier as she thought of it.

"Please tell me you at least understand." She said without looking at him.

For a long while, Caspian stood silent. He imagined losing his kingdom and subjects, losing himself in the process. He couldn't even begin to imagine the world that Susan lived in, but it sounded like a dark place.

"I can't understand." He finally replied. Realizing it as he spoke it.

"Susan I can't imagine losing what you have lost and still going on each day." He gently moved Susan so that she turned away from the open air and was facing him. "I cannot change my feelings for you though. I understand why you do not want this." He moved his hand up to her cheek in an obvious show of what 'this' was. And this time, Susan let him.

The crack on her ice covered heart grew larger.

"But what if you leave tomorrow, next week, or next month? It does not matter. I would regret my entire life not taking the opportunity to be with you."

It spilt into 3 other cracks.

Willing to take the consequences, Caspian lowered his head down so that for a moment, their lips touched. And then he pulled away waiting for Susan's judgment.

The ice fell away from Susan's now rapidly beating heart. And Susan knew. She knew that she felt the same and in knowing that, realized that she was going to go through the pain all over again.

A sudden panic went through her and Susan's usually comprehensive thoughts were reduced to two words. I. Can't.

"I'm sorry." She fled down a set of stairs to escape Caspian. The cold air now bit against her tear-wet face. This time Caspian didn't follow her.

Her silver crown lay on the ground before the steps.

* * *

><p>Inside the vast ballroom, dozens of other couples danced across the smooth stone floor. The Telmarines silently agreed they'd not had a celebration like this since the previous King Caspian was ruling. Fauns and dwarfs played waltzes and jaunts and even songs the Telmarines knew.<p>

Grumpy Trumpkin stood against the wall subtly tapping his foot to the beat. Until Lucy came by and dragged him onto the dance floor. Peter watched on, chuckling to himself. He had seen Caspian chase Susan onto the balcony earlier. At first his big brother instinct was to follow. But something else, a sort of wisdom he'd gained from his twenty-seven years said that he should let them be. He contemplated Susan and how this must be affecting her. He hoped she might open up to Caspian. The last year had been hard, on Susan and himself more than Edmund and Lucy.

Lucy and Edmund had both been changed by Narnia in a different way than Peter and Susan. Perhaps it was because they were younger, or perhaps it was based on their relationship with Aslan. Speaking of which, he spotted Aslan watching something on the balcony, where Susan and Caspian had gone earlier.

Although he couldn't see what was happening outside, Peter looked at Aslan instead and saw sadness in the Great Lion's fathomless eyes. Until Aslan looked away and left the ballroom. Drawn in, Peter followed him past the entrance hall, through a hallway and out into the courtyard where he sat, gazing at the stars.

"You can't see them anymore in your world can you?" he spoke almost to himself while Peter walked to stand beside him.

Peter shook his head, wondering what the lion was really thinking. "At least in the cities, it's impossible. There is too much light." Not to mention being out at night was now life threatening.

Aslan nodded his head absently. "Lucy tells me that you've been having trouble."

"I'm not—" but a look from the Lion stopped all lies in his throat. "Yes," he admitted. "It's difficult adjusting to being young again. Especially in our world."

"You blame me." he stated more than asked. Peter often got the impression that Aslan could read creatures like an open book.

"Partly" he answered. "Yes, although you didn't push us back through the wardrobe… Would you have stopped us?" He added after a pause.

Aslan thought over that for a moment. "We shall never know."

Peter chuckled at Aslan's answer. Somehow he'd known those would be the Great Lion's words.

"And what about Susan?" Aslan inquired. "Lucy mentioned that Susan was often alone."

Peter realized that Aslan was getting at something. Or at least that something was weighing in his mind. "She's been keeping to herself lately. Forcing herself to accept our situation. There's been a lot on her mind ever since we returned. And now with Caspian…." Peter realized the power of what he was saying as the words were spoken. Susan doesn't just go off with men, in fact Peter was worried Susan wouldn't find anyone she liked at all. "It's going to be harder on her, leaving again, than me, Edmund or Lucy."

"Why do you assume that you're leaving?" Aslan asked, turning to the Old High King. "Wouldn't you rather stay here?

Peter nodded. "Of course…. It would be hard, living in Narnia again, 'specially since I am no longer king. But I have respect here, Aslan. I have friends. I'm able to fight for my country. But…like Susan, I know that we have to return. It's only a matter of time.

Aslan gazed at his friend in sadness. "I'm sorry for what has happened…and what will." Rising from the sitting position, he stood to all four paws. "You and your family have helped me, and I have only betrayed your kindness. But know that in time, you will return to Narnia, a better Narnia, for good."

Peter began to inquire, but he stopped himself. There would be no questions answered about his future, he knew Aslan too well. "What about Susan and Caspian?"

At this, Aslan's moonlight shoulders sunk into shadow. "They have made their choice and must face it. Tomorrow I will ask Caspian to gather the Telmarine nobles and a group of Narnians, you four included. There is something that must be done." Aslan began to walk back the way they're first come.

"You're sending us back." Peter stood still, facing away from the Great Lion.

"Yes."

There was a small pause. "No…please Aslan. If nothing else. Please I ask for Susan and Caspian." Peter walked to stand in front of Aslan so they were eye to eye. "A few more days. For them."

"You ask for yourself, not for them-" Aslan argued.

Peter felt the rant flow out of him. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU ABANDONED US! And Susan more than any of us felt that. She had to. When I was getting into fights, when Edmund started smoking, when Lucy was crying over Tumnus, Susan was the one who took responsibility and never let us see her cry over her loss. But she did. I could see the tears in her eyes...how...how the happiest she looked were when she was in archery club or riding a horse. And now she's finally found someone who cares about her, and who she cares about in return. Someone who can understand her. You can't possibly know what Susan is going through." Peter immediately felt remorse at his outburst. But also knew he would have regretted not saying it.

Aslan gazed at Peter with both respect and sadness. "It must be tomorrow. It is how it is meant to be." Looking more broken down than Peter could even imagine, The Great Lion walked around him and back into the ballroom.

* * *

><p>Caspian stood in a daze on the balcony, still torn about Susan's actions. Was it that she didn't really care for him? Was she not attracted to him as he thought she was? The sounds of the party inside reminded him where he should be, but his composure was shaken. He couldn't face his subjects again just yet. He inhaled deep breaths of the cold air, trying to clear his mind, but Susan cut through again. Her words repeated in his mind again with the image of her tear stained face.<p>

And all that she had been though. Caspian couldn't help but want to help her in some way, just be there for her and he couldn't even do that. What did her bravery and strength matter when fate led them down such a painful path? And what did that mean for him? Were his noble actions worth anything to the gods?

A soft sound behind Caspian made him turn.

"Aslan." He bowed his head to the Great Lion. And when he looked back up, Caspian was surprised to see sadness in the cat eyes. Almost as if he was carrying a great burden.

"King Caspian," Aslan spoke before the newly crowned king could ask anything. "I wish to thank you for returning Narnia to balance. You will be remembered for what you have done." His mane rustled in the wind and seemed to give off sunlight, even in the dark. "But I must ask you to do something else for me."

Patiently, Caspian waited for him to continue. All the time wondering how much power the Lion truly had, how much of Susan's and his fate rested in his hands…paws.

"Obviously some of the Telmarines will not agree to the new order. So I'm going to offer them a different place to live. Your ancestors actually came from King Peter and Queen Susan's world. They were pirates struck aground near a cave that held an entrance into Telmar. This is where I will send them."

"And Susan?" Caspian asked before realizing how obvious he was being in his affections. "What of them?"

There was a pause and Caspian thought for a moment that Aslan was upset that he had asked him. "All things have their time." He answered. The same sadness that Caspian saw earlier resurfaced.

Caspian's heart, felt a sharp pain as if a cold spear had been plunged into it. "When?" But he already knew the answer, it was a desperate attempt, a hope that he couldn't stop.

"Tomorrow at noon, gather those who object to Narnians in the courtyard with the Great Tree. I will open a doorway to their world. Although this won't be the last you will see of the Pevensies, you should say your good-byes soon…while you can."

Caspian couldn't help but be a little surprised at the Great Lion's knowledge. He seemed to know everything. "Thank you." That was it then. Susan was leaving tomorrow. And the knowledge gave him a freedom that led him back into the ballroom.

* * *

><p>Susan slammed the door to her suite behind her. Barely able to make it farther, she collapsed in a sitting couch, hugging herself and let out the breath she'd been holding. Now that no one could see her, Susan could let her composure go just for a moment. And it felt like a fountain that had been over-pressured for too long. She couldn't stop the sobs, the tears. Every word, every image of Caspian and Narnia just kept tearing through her. And she found a deep anger melding with the sadness as well.<p>

What had she done to deserve all this pain? Hadn't she fought the war, won the battle and ruled fairly for ten years? Hadn't she been a good person?

Why did fate keep giving her something wonderful only to take it away from her? Caspian was everything she had ever imagined having in a future. Respect, stability and love. She loved him, as impossible as it seemed, Susan couldn't give any explanation for the heartbreak she felt over the thought of leaving him.

And then there was the guilt of what she had done to him. Although she hadn't asked him to fall for her, she didn't want a complication, she didn't want this pain! She almost hated that she still wanted his arms around her, holding her, right now. Susan rebelled at first to the weakness.

She was always the one who was strong, the one that everyone could turn to. But… could Caspian have been that man to hold her just one in a while.

Her door opened suddenly to reveal the very point of her thoughts in what could only be described as a determined pose. Susan quickly wiped away her tears but Caspian had already seen her at her most venerable.

It made her defensive, "What do you want Caspian?"

It seemed at first he was going to be very stern about his wishes, but upon seeing her state, decided against it. He closed the door behind him. "Why did you run away? Is it because you don't like me." He had to know the truth first.

"What? No! Caspian I told you," she replied fiercely standing up from her couch. "I can't, I just…can't!"

"But you do like me?" he asked again.

The entire week of emotional up and downs led Susan to the point at which the dam that usually held her thoughts in, broke. "Yes, Caspian!" she yelled. "There, are you happy? I like you, in fact I may actually love you for some godawful reason because fate just can't resist putting in front of me that which is everything I want and desire only to take it from me."

Susan took a breath, which was a good thing because the next thing she knew, Caspian's lips were on hers giving her a much sounder kiss than before.

"That's all I wanted to know." He said breathlessly once their lips had separated. "Susan, please give me tonight. Aslan, he will gather you tomorrow…"

Susan's chest contracted. "He's sending us back, I knew it." Susan let go of Caspian and sat down before her legs gave out from under her. She had told herself not to hope for anything else, but she had. She had hoped that Aslan would give them time in Narnia. She hadn't even realized how high those hopes were until they were dashed.

Caspian looked at her with love in his eyes and Susan's heart lifted for a moment as she realized he loved her back. But then she thought of leaving him tomorrow. The two emotions rolled against each other as her thoughts went back and forth.

Caspian deliberated a moment about his actions, then wrapped his arms around her and leaned her into his chest, cradling her against him. He was somewhat afraid that she would shove him away.

But instead Susan wrapped herself around him, and silently cried into his shirt. Like Caspian she felt a certain freedom in knowing that she would be leaving tomorrow. She wanted the warmth and love she desired. "Caspian I want us." Susan finally admitted. "I've never wanted something more in my life, except…" she couldn't look at him while she was speaking so she just kept her head buried in his shirt, now stained with her tears.

"Except what?" Caspian asked.

"I think it'll be more painful leaving this time than it was before. I already can't even comprehend the thought that I won't see you again."

"No! Susan, Aslan told me." Caspian replied enthusiastically. "He said I will see you again."

Susan sat up to finally look him in the eyes. "What?"

"Aslan told me, 'this won't be the last you see of the Pevensies'."

Susan's hope fell again. That could still imply that it wasn't going to be _her_ returning. She looked into Caspian's eyes. They were so full of hope and determination, it made her almost believe what they both wanted. But she knew better. This might be their last night together, the last chance they'd have. Susan began to shake at her own thoughts. Although she had the body of a seventeen year old, she had lived for 26 years. She was a woman.

This wasn't the first time she'd had these thoughts, but it was the first time she'd found someone she'd wanted to…

Caspian was shocked to see a sudden heat in Susan's eyes. It made him nervous. He had watched as her expression had fallen when he'd repeated Aslan's words. He couldn't tell what Susan was thinking, and now he was really being thrown. "Susan…"

He was silenced when Susan leaned over to kiss him. And from the back of his mind the inkling of realization bloomed, but he was too lost in the kiss to care.

Susan didn't stop; she kept moving her lips against, letting the heat grow between them.

Caspian separated for a moment, he had to make sure. "Susan, are you…"

She nodded slowly before moving her hands to un-tuck his shirt. "I love you Caspian."

"I love you too Susan."

* * *

><p>Dawn came too quickly, sunlight warming the sleeping couple. Susan's hand lay across Caspian's hard chest, her head tucked into his shoulder. Caspian's arm was wrapped beneath her, curling Susan toward his body. Both lay content, unknowing of the future, uncaring. Blinking into awareness, Susan awoke to a strange feeling. The warmth from Caspian's body radiated around her creating a sensation of peacefulness.<p>

Unfortunately a sense of subdued panic shot through her as she realized what she'd done. She's just…slept with someone she most likely wouldn't see again. Did that make her a floozy? What if she got pregnant? But she loved him and he loved her. And it had been wonderful, painful at first, but…still good. It was just very confusing. Moving slowly, Susan looked up at Caspian's face. And jumped when she saw his eyes open and staring at her.

He smiled. "I didn't know if you were awake. Are you well?"

Susan nodded. "I'm just…this is very surreal." She admitted.

Affectionately Caspian kissed her forehead. "I know what you mean."

Hesitantly, Susan pulled herself up, holding the sheet close to her, so that she could fully kiss him. She had never imagined what this would feel like. To have someone hold her and kiss her with love, it was amazing.

A knock at the door to the suite made them freeze. Although the bedroom was sectioned off by another door, it was obvious by the clothes strewn about…

"Stay here." Susan pleaded as she got up and grabbed a robe. The thought that Caspian was seeing her naked in daylight was noted, but she would focus on that later. She quickly fastened the ties and closed the bedroom door behind her. Adrenaline was coursing through her for so many reasons she was losing count.

She crossed the sitting room to open the door to a maid of the castle. "I was still abed." She explained her delay. "What can I do for you?

The maid seemed very timid and it took a moment for her to speak up. "His highness King Peter has requested your presence in his quarters. He wanted to emphasize that this was of the utmost importance."

Susan's heartbeat sped up at what Peter could want; it also reminded her of her departure today. "Um, thank you. You may return to your normal duties." She closed the door, one problem taken care of.

Sighing to herself, Susan walked back to her room. But when she reached out for the doorknob she stopped. Crisis of discovery averted yes, but now she had a moment to herself with her thoughts. And it really hit her, what she was feeling. She felt happy, she felt content. And while it was amazing, she couldn't help but think how much that would come back as pain and sadness once they crossed back.

A part of her said that she would never see Caspian again, but a smaller part was resilient and kept saying how she would, someday be with him. In a rare moment, Susan let that thought grow until it filled her. She smiled to herself and opened the door.

There was a naked man in her bed waiting for her patiently. _A naked man in my bed_, Susan thought with both horror and amazement. Smiling at her like she was the light of the morning sun. As much as she wanted to return to him, she knew that Peter would eventually come looking for her. And he would be much more intrusive than the little maid was. So she began gathering the clothing she'd need to face today.

Although disappointed, Caspian saw that Susan was right, it was time to rise. "Who was it?" he asked getting out of bed.

Susan turned away not even waiting to see if he would keep the sheet. "Peter wants to see me soon. It probably has something to do with going back to London." She picked out a dress from the wardrobe, but a hand stopped her.

"Wear this dress," he whispered in her ear. He reached for an off-the shoulder dress with white puffed sleeves and blue material that was beautifully embroidered. Silver trimmed the bodice along the top and ringed the sleeves.

"That's a little…umm" Susan was uncomfortable about showing her shoulders. She fingered a simpler dress that covered everything. She looked at him hoping for him to change his mind.

"You are beautiful Susan, no matter what you wear." He smirked and looked at her up and down.

Susan rolled her eyes at his implications of no clothes at all.

"I just like this dress, it matches your eyes. The light blue of a sky before a storm. Blue and grey at the same time."

The more he talked, the more Susan liked the dress. "Fine, now go stand over there while I get dressed." She pointed to the opposite end of the room from the screen where she would change.

He pouted but obeyed her. And she was glad to see that he had pulled on his breeches before.

Grateful for the moment alone, Susan took a deep breath of stress relief. She loosened her robe and slipped into her under garments.

"Do you regret last night?" Caspian retrieved his shirt from the floor of the sitting room, talking loud enough that Susan could hear him.

The long pause made Caspian nervous.

Susan really did wonder for a moment if what she felt was regret. She thought about the night before and what she was feeling. Truthfully she told herself, when she thought about last night, she thought about Caspian's skin against hers, the warmth and strength of his arms, and the feeling of his body pressed against hers. The only thing she regretted was this being it. This was the only time they were given, and while it was wonderful, Susan couldn't help but think of what could be. If one night was this great, imagine what months or years would add.

"No" she answered. While pulling on her dress. She moved from behind the screen so that she could look at Caspian when she said this. "Last night was something that I'm going to treasure all my life, even if I never get to see you again." She put her arms around him and squeezed tight. "I meant what I said last night. I love you Caspian, I always will."

Susan felt the bite of tears that were welling up. "The only regret I have is that I have to leave you and that I might never get to see you smile or have your arms around me again."

"Shhh" Caspian held her tight. "Don't say that."

* * *

><p>Susan took a deep breath before knocking on Peter's door. "It's Susan." She called out.<p>

Peter came to the door and instead of letting her in; he closed the door behind him and gestured for them to walk down the hallway. Besides a quick look of surprise at her apparel, he didn't meet her eyes, only managed a "Morning Sue."

"Peter, what's going on? Caspian told me about what Aslan—" she began to follow him, talking and walking at the same time.

"You know?" Peter stopped walking and looked up. "You know that we're…"

"Going back today…yes" she finished his sentence.

Peter looked at her with sadness. "Susan I'm sorry. I tried, I know what…I know what you have here with—Caspian" he kept looking back and forth awkwardly.

Susan blushed and quickly stopped him. "Thank you Peter but it's…it's alright. Not what I want, but…" she smiled, not knowing how to end the sentence anyway else.

"Do you really fancy him?" he asked

Susan considered lying, hiding Peter from her pain. But Peter, more than Edmund or Lucy might understand. "Yes,"

Sighing in defeat, Peter saw the look in his sister's eyes. She loved the guy. "Well just to warn you, he never returned to his room last night." He imagined that Caspian had spent the entire night talking to nobles and eventually had passed out somewhere.

But when Susan's face turned red, Peter felt like a shovel had been shoved into his gut. "Tell me you and he didn't—"

"Peter, Susan" Aslan's voice cut though the conversation. "We have much to discuss." He stood in the opening to the courtyard they'd been heading toward, looking regal and huge as usual. This was the first time Susan had really taken a look at Aslan and she noticed how when he looked at her, his eyes were sad. At this point though, she was having trouble gathering sympathy for him.

Peter glanced at Susan as if to say this was not over. They fell into step with the Great Lion and he began talking to them. Every word added a pound to the weight in Susan's stomach.

"This will be the last time you see this Narnia. You have learned what you need to from this place. Peter you have learned that a good leader is not always one who gives the orders, and Susan, you have learned to have faith in others and in yourself." As he said this to both of them, he gave a small smile. "I'm proud of you both and I'm truly sorry for the pain I have caused you. Your family will return to this Narnia, but I'm afraid you will not."

"Aslan," Susan was keeping her tears in barely "You keep saying 'this Narnia'. What do you mean?"

He just looked at her and Susan knew that she would not receive an answer.

"Your Majesty" Aslan said to someone behind Susan.

_Caspian_, Susan turned to look at him, now in a blue-grey tunic, looking incredible. He was giving her a concerned look. Tears in her eyes must be hard to miss. The hope she had built up was now gone, destroyed and she didn't know what to say. She wished she'd stayed just a while longer in bed with him, enjoyed the time they had.

"Everyone is gathered." He said to Aslan, with barely a glance. He kept looking at Susan's pained look hoping that she would say something.

Aslan looked at Susan and then Caspian before moving forward. And all Susan could do was look away from the man she loved and follow the being who decided her fate.

* * *

><p>Why did this atmosphere feel like a death sentence to her? Susan thought. The weather was sunny with a small breeze that blew through her hair. Standing with Lucy, Edmund and Peter, Susan watched feeling detached. Almost as if this was a dream. She watched Caspian and Aslan talk to the Telmarines about their new option. She watched as the Captain and Miraz's wife and child walked through the portal. She took deep breaths as her heart beat accelerated.<p>

Someone shouted out, asking how they knew the portal was safe. Susan smiled when Reepicheep offered his services, but it fell when Aslan looked at them.

Here we go. She looked at Caspian who looked back at her, knowing what was coming as well.

"We'll go" Peter spoke to the crowd. Susan could sense the slight bitterness in his voice, but it was the right thing to do.

"We will?" Edmund asked in surprise.

"Come on," he looked to Edmund, Lucy and then Susan "Time's up." Susan recognized the significance of the statement addressed to her. Edmund and Lucy, they'd be back. This was it for them.

Taking a breath, Peter turned to Caspian, reluctantly removing his sword. "After all, we're not needed here anymore."

Susan's heart broke at Peter's tone, he sounded so resigned, defeated.

Caspian took hold of the sword, "I will look after it until your return."

"I'm afraid that's just it," Susan spoke, unable to let him believe anything different than the truth. "We're not coming back."

Caspian looked at her with shock, disbelief.

Lucy, Aslan and Peter talked around her, but all she didn't really hear any of it, just phrases that rang in her ear. "Did they do something wrong?"

Susan wanted to laugh, that would have made sense.

"—have learned what they can from this world, now it's time for them to live in their own."

Susan wanted to scream at the falseness of that statement. Narnia WAS her home. Her heart was HERE. She looked at Aslan and saw that sage-like wisdom staring at her as if to say, 'you know I'm right'.

Lucy seemed upset by their banishment, but Peter's words seemed to comfort her somewhat, they walked over to say good-bye to Reepicheep, the centaurs, Trumpkin and Badger.

But her good-bye was something more. In a selfish way, Susan believed that her farewell was going to be the hardest. She thought about Caspian's question of regret earlier. "I'm glad we came back." She told him. When they'd first been called, it seemed like fate was just torturing them, but now Susan thought of their return as a blessing, she was able to meet Caspian, fall in love.

"I wish we'd had more time together." He replied.

She wanted nothing more, but she couldn't bring herself to say that. "It would have never worked anyway." She joked.

"Why not," Caspian asked in confusion.

"I am thirteen-hundred years older than you." She finished.

He smiled in understanding. They would have been something amazing. With those thoughts his smile fell.

Susan looked at him with regret. She wanted to say something, something to prove her love and to reassure him that she still believed in someday. But there was nothing else to say. She started to move away but then thought of an action that spoke for everything she was feeling.

She quickly walked back to Caspian and kissed him, in front of Aslan, in front of her siblings, in front of everyone. And she looked into his eyes, as he hugged her close.

"Good-bye, my Queen" he whispered.

She heard Lucy and Edmund talking, but couldn't make out the words.

Taking a last look into Caspian's eyes, Susan turned to stand with Lucy, Edmund and Peter. She looked at Lucy, wondering what her reaction would be.

But she said nothing; instead Lucy silently held her hand for a moment with reassurance. Susan looked at the scene before her once last time. Aslan looked at them with a sadness that still confused her and the crowd; well they were looking at them with a small bit of contempt. Their entire lives had been turned upside down by Narnians. And the five humans who should be on their side were actually the leaders of the Revolution. Her eyes fell on Caspian who of course was watching her. Perhaps he hoped that she would stay, go against Aslan's wishes. But then Susan knew that Caspian had to understand why she couldn't. No matter how tempting that might be.

Susan imagined never seeing Caspian again…but couldn't. That gave her a pause, Susan thought of her future, of marrying a normal man from London having children who would grow up to believe that magic was just something in fairy tales. But that seemed more surreal than the idea of being married to Caspian. And it dawned on Susan that she did believe it. In her heart, Susan knew that she would return to Narnia and be with Caspian, maybe not in a way that she expected, but she kept remembering Aslan's words…'This Narnia'.

Edmund moved through the portal first and they followed to the sounds of the train station and the very bench they'd been pulled from. The train was just pulling in and people were merging, on and off. All four of them looked back, secretly hoping to catch a glimpse of their secret world one last time, but all there was, was the tube tunnel stretching on into darkness.

Susan took a deep breath, already feeling the separation from Caspian's presence. They loaded onto the train, ignoring the boy who still thought her name was Phyllis.

"Do you think we'll be going back soon?" Edmund asked.

Peter and Susan looked at him in question.

"I left my new torch in Narnia."

In what was most likely the result of her revelation and the ranging emotions going through all of them, they laughed at Edmund's panic. Susan absentmindedly put her hand in her pocket and was shocked to feel something cool. She pulled out a thin gold chain that held a red ruby. _The necklace!_ She thought with shock and happiness. Quickly she latched it around her neck, thanking Aslan for the small gift he'd given her.

* * *

><p><em>7 Years Later…<em>

"Susan aren't you coming with us to Prof. Diggory's house this week?" Peter asked her from across the table. They were just finishing their weekly dinner together. His flat was simple; it had to be since he was on the Army's payroll. Although the war had ended, Peter had still joined the ranks and had risen up quickly from what others assumed was a natural talent for the battle arts. At the age of 24 he was a Captain of his own squad.

"I don't know, the hospital has been very busy lately." Susan gave the excuse. Truthfully she didn't want to go; it would just be them placating the professor in his Narnia fantasies.

Peter laughed. "The hospital is always busy." He pointed out. Susan was doing well as Head Nurse at the local hospital. Although her personality did clash on the occasion with doctors.

Susan smiled as he caught her. "I'll think about it." She promised getting up to leave, to return to her own flat a few floors down she shared it with another nurse she worked with. Edmund was just finishing school and Lucy still had two years till graduation. She was planning on becoming a teacher and Edmund was following in Peter's footsteps, but planned to join the Navy instead of the army.

"Alright, we're getting on the train on Friday at noon." He reminded her, putting dishes in the sink. "Everyone's coming this time, Eustace, Jill…" he seemed excited. "It'll be nice to have everyone there, trade stories. Sometimes I feel if we didn't get together I might forget about Narnia."

Susan nodded absently, but really he was depressing her. It was getting harder and harder to believe in the stories. He continued to talk while she listened until it was time for her to get back to her own place.

Peter hugged her goodnight and told her to lock her door. Just like always, she smiled. Susan walked down the stairs to her door and said goodnight to her roommate, Ann, before heading to her room. Taking out the pins in her hair she placed them in their drawer and then she reached behind her neck to un-hook her necklace.

It was the only piece of jewelry she wore regularly. And its coolness against her skin always gave her a small feeling of comfort. Where had she gotten this? Susan thought about it and realized she'd gotten it before the war ended…she'd been 15, 16. But who? She wanted to say someone had given to her…as a gift…Susan was piecing together her feelings of the gift. It had been someone important. She knew no one in her family had given to her. A man, she realized.

He had the same feeling that Narnia did. She must have met him when they'd been living with Prof. Diggory.

Susan's decision about the trip wavered. She suddenly felt excited about the trip. It was only one week after all. She could handle that, and maybe she'd see who ever gave this to her again.

* * *

><p>What had begun as a simple trip had now spiraled into a nightmare for Susan. During dinner, a ghost had appeared in the corner and then Eustace and Jill had disappeared, they'd decided to go home early without them and now they were in a burning stable in…Narnia?<p>

Susan stood in shock. It was true, it…how? Her usually organized thoughts were destroyed as she watched everything going on around her. Everyone else seemed to be taking this in strides, the world disappearing and then re-appearing around her in chaos. The Lion, Aslan stood before them and behind him, Susan couldn't think of anything else to describe it but apocalyptic. The stars were falling and the trees and ground were being eaten up by lizards. Then the stars became beings, people! And were joining them in front of a stable frame. It was all happening at once, making Susan dizzy.

"Lucy!" Susan called out. "Peter! What's happening?" But no one answered her, there was too much noise. Strange people and creatures kept coming from where the stars fell. Everything that Peter had told Diggory and Lucy, everything that she thought they had made up, was true.

Then Aslan was looking at her, coming toward her. She wanted to run and scream, but a part of her told her to stand and be strong. It was a part of herself that she hadn't needed in a long time.

The lion spoke to her. "It brings me joy that you kept faith in Narnia when you might have failed." His voice was resonant…calming. "It seems I was wrong in thinking that love could only bring you more pain." He turned toward a figure that was coming toward them and Susan turned to look.

Dressed in the simple white shirt and breeches, "Caspian", Susan said slowly, the name flowing from her memory to her mouth. How did she know him? He smiled at her and she could feel warmth of affection spreading through her chest. The man, she'd named Caspian, kept coming closer and when he took her hand she remembered…his skin against hers.

Susan blushed as she realized, as she remembered. "A last night." She murmured, flashes kept coming back to her. And her feelings for him went from affection, to passion, to admiration and then…it couldn't be. She looked at him closer. At those deep brown eyes that looked at her with devotion.

She loved him.

His happy expression was falling as Caspian realized she didn't fully remember him. "Susan, I…I've waited a lifetime. I've imagined this moment for so long." He moved a piece of hair away from her face. "Do you remember?" He fingered the necklace at her throat recognizing it. She had to remember, why would she still wear it? His fingers trailed the side of her face, cupping the side of her head.

Susan smiled at him, tears of joy filling her eyes as everything came together. "Caspian," she said breathlessly. "Oh, Caspian" Susan threw herself into his arms. This feeling, Caspian pressed against her. It was what she'd been waiting for, what had kept her believing all those years. A hope that one day she'd be with him again and this was it. Their love had given Susan the key to happiness.

Holding hands, they walked with the others into the new Narnia where they never parted.

THE END

* * *

><p>This was something I started long ago, and recently finished. You should also know that I am working on the end of Susan's Story. I have the idea of what's going to happen, but it needs some fine tuning. Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.<p> 


End file.
